Surrender

"God is calling us to surrender- a surrender that is so resolute, so final, that to lift our heads in defense or protest would seem ridiculous."- Stuck, Jennie Allen

 

While doing my study tonight, I read a section titled, "Little Crosses". It confronted me with a slap in the face so hard that my hands trembled as I clutched my mechanical pencil.

The following section was a list of places where freedom is found. One of which being, "releasing others' perceptions and understandings of me, and holding on to God's, since He knows my heart."
That is one of my main struggles (thus further reaffirming my heart that God put this study before me for a reason!)
Right or wrong, I have always deeply cared what people thought of me. I wish I didn't- but I do! So when I see my name being thrown around in wicked ways conducted by Satan- it makes me angry, sick to my stomach, anxious, sinful, and a whole mess of other emotions that are not God-honoring!
We don't physically carry crosses like Jesus did. Our crosses are our rights that we think we have.
The right to pursue happiness
The right to healthy babies
The right to be who you want to be
The right to hold a grudge when someone does you wrong

Right there. That's me! I have been metaphorically slapped in the face so many times by people I've loved- I have a hard time learning to let that go and truly forgive them!
But God says otherwise! He says to pick up your cross and follow Him!
How dare I ever think that I could just slide by suppressing my anger towards people and situations orchestrated by Satan himself!?

In yesterday's blog post I spoke of learning more and more about God and who He is.
Lessons learned today about God:
God really is bigger than any problem we are currently facing.
God cares enough to always be reaching out for us.
Through good times and bad times- God is still on his throne!

At the end of my life, it's not going to matter what a few people said about me in 2012- all that is going to matter to The Lord is how my heart was and if I truly love and trust Him enough to know that he holds me in the palm of his hand.

Stuck.

I haven't blogged in a long time though for a long time I have longed to blog. (Makes sense, huh?)
After many months of just keeping everything in my head and heart, I've decided to start pouring them back into writing because I've noticed that not only is it therapeutic to my soul, but it clarifies my inmost thoughts and encourages me along the way in my pursuit of God.
I have reached a point in my walk where I am just thirsty for some living water. Water that only comes from the Holy Spirit. I have tried to satisfy my thirst from drawing from other similar wells (group studies, fellowships- which can be good at certain seasons). But when it comes to filling my soul, it is not doing the trick- nor will it ever. I need Jesus. Plain and simple.
I need some serious one on one time with Him and while I was standing in Lifeway one day browsing the study section I came across a study book titled Stuck.
That is me!! I feel so stuck in a lot of areas of my life and desperately need The Lord to guide me out of them. I've decided to go this study alone because I really want to focus on God and Mitzi and the relationship restoration that is about to take place between the two. I am excited about it and confronted by it at the same time but I have always (since I've been saved) loved conviction and discipline because it reaffirms me that I AM His child that He loves and disciplines.
I will continue to journal this all out as I grow closer to The Lord.
I pray blessings to whoever reads this!

Wrestling with Sin

There is so much on my heart. Lots of struggles and lots of prayers. The Lord is molding me and shaping me into who He wants me to be and for me- its not such an easy task. Yet.. I am holding on the best that I can. I know spiritual warfare is not a new thing and I know that the closer I get to where I need to be- the more Satan tries to attack me.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 
I Peter 5:8-9 

 Nobody said this was easy. In fact, the Bible says in Romans 3, "There is no one righteous, not even one." and then skip down a little and it says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,^[i] through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith."

I know that I am a sinner. God knows it.  I also know that God can not look on sin so I am constantly praying and asking for his gracious forgiveness because what is the point of praying if your heart is not right with God and he won't hear you? (John 9:31) I have been praying diligently and desperately for the Lord to rid me of the sin and things that make me sin. I am exhausted from the fighting and I am so tired of feeling like I am dodging bullets. But.. I press on! Why? Because the Bible tells us to!

Today in church, we sang "Indescribable" by Chris Tomlin, and we sang out "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same!". That is me and a half. I don't deserve this.. but He loves me so much that He is willing to always forgive me when I call out to him begging for his grace and forgiveness.

 While flipping through My Utmost for His Highest yesterday, I came across an entry titled "Wrestling Before God". Here is a little excerpt that really moved me:

You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God 

Today, while driving, I was dwelling on my situation with sin and what wrestling it really felt like for me. Then I started thinking of my husband always watching UFC fighting ((That I normally detest)) and I started to parallel my battle with sin with the battle that the Ultimate Fighter's experience. We are constantly making jabs and blows at each other. A few cuts and bruises on each of us. We each have a coach/trainer in our corner. But my coach is awesome. He sees me growing weary and He sits me down, dries the blood and sweat from my brow, gives me a drink of His living water, and then sends me back out to fight some more- eventually claiming victory over my enemy. He has my back. 

Oh, how I love Him!

It Is Well

My little neck of the woods experienced a little flooding today. This is my street. I wish I were a little kid so I could play in that without feeling weird! LOL

As I took these pictures with my cell phone, I heard "When peace like a river attendeth my way.." being sung in my mind and so for the most part of the morning, I dwelt on that song and what it meant to me. I thought of how faithful God is and how every time I earnestly seek Him, he is already there waiting to engulf me with His overwhelming peace. Like a river, His grace washes over me. He is so worthy.

Covered.

Today I experienced something so sweet and profound in my life. After
months and months of fear, helplessness, and discouragement- I witnessed God's amazing hand cover me up and protect me from it all.
Standing inches from the fire, about to be thrown into it, and *poof* it gets blown out. I walked away not even smelling like smoke!
God you're such an amazing God to hear the cries of Your children. Your grace is sufficient. I love you.

Are you running circles or walking a straight path?

"But a heart that refuses to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit will not change, no matter how hard you pray."- Stormie Omartian

As I read this tonight, I felt compelled to share it.
How often do you pray your heart out for something that YOU want instead of what the Lord wants? You don't see any significant changes because it's not what God had in mind.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.” [This is] the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”—Isaiah 55:8–9
If we continue to seek our own paths instead of the path the Spirit leads us down, I am afraid that we will only run in circles.
"in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.". (Proverbs 3:6 NIV)
We were created for His purpose.. So let's glorify His great Name! Amen.

Three Steps.

A year or so ago, I did an online James study led by Mark Hall from Casting Crowns. It was such an awesome study that put a lot of things into perspective for me and to this day- I still dwell on it!
I have had a lot on my heart lately concerning people and their views on Christianity. I am currently reading 3 books (yes, at once!) and each are very straight forward and are just what I need. I am tired of watered down, sugar coated, I'm okay-you're okay-we're all okay books and sayings. In my intentional, desperate pursuit of Jesus, a part of a video from the James study came into my mind, so I pulled out my notes and looked up the video and re-learned what it was talking about!
So allow me to lead you through these 3 steps to get you back to where God calls you to be. 
"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. ⁹ Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor." James 4:7-10
Lets break this down.
Step 1: Submit yourselves to God.
-Do you submit everything to Him in your life? Your choices, your words, your friends, your feelings, your goals, your dreams?? "Lord, is this what You want for me?"
Step 2: Resist the Devil and he will flee from you.
-Are there areas in your life where you are openly-yet obliviously inviting sin into your life? T.V. Shows, Movies, people,going certain places, habits? Not just resisting temptation, but resisting putting ourselves in positions where we know things could go wrong. Understand your weaknesses! 
Step 3: Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
-Spend time in His Word. Spend time with His people-Go to Church! (it doesn't have to be my church-pray about where God wants you to go (Submit to Him!!) I was telling my sister a few weeks ago, We are like plants and God is the sun. If we aren't out soaking up everything He has for us and we're sitting somewhere in a closet- then we aren't growing in Him! Hebrew 10:25 says "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Forget what the World tells you and listen to the living Word of God! We need each other. We need fellowship! Get in the Word. Spend time in His presence!


Father God, Help me to submit all of my self to you in full surrender so that I stay in Your will and grow in Your amazing Presence. I love You. Amen.

Rest

As I woke up this morning, I rolled over to my side, with my eyes still closed, and whispered, "Lord, this is the day that you have made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.". The sun immediately filtered through my window and lit up my room, reassuring me of God's almighty presence. I love when that happens. I desperately needed it today.. Well everyday actually.
After having an intense "cry out to Jesus" last night, I am resting in His promises of peace.
"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NLT)
My prayers are that I completely surrender everything that I think I should need and trust in Him who knows everything that I do need, and His provision for those needs being met. I am created for His purpose and I have to trust that fully submitting to Him is the only way.

Turning frustration into Blessing

I was in my kitchen, cooking the latest recipe that I had discovered on Pinterest, when I decided that it was time to see what my two year old was doing. As I rounded the corner of the couch, I found her surrounded by the contents of my bible bag. My bible was in her lap and a pen was in her hand. I immediately took them both away and told her, "you can't color in Mama's bible, baby.". Even though I didn't raise my voice, she knew she was in the wrong and collapsed to the side and her little bottom lip start quivering. Instantly, the Lord convicted me. "don't you write in your Bible?? Can you imagine what its going to be like when she is grown and you come across those few tiny scribbles? How you will miss this stage?" so I immediately scooped her back up into my arms and opened my bible and showed her that little piece of art and said, "this is pretty, Molli. Mommy loves it!" ((note: this is a one time thing, I will keep my bags put away from now on))
Back to my story, her little tear-filled blue eyes looked up at me and she pointed to the scribbles and said, "uh oh! Color!!" and I explained that it's okay, she isn't in trouble. She was so happy that mommy wasn't mad at her. Many, many years from now, I'm going to see her scribbles and remember her big, concerned, blue eyes and think of how I nurtured her heart that day. I chose grace instead of wrath and was blessed from it.
Aren't you glad the Lord chooses grace over wrath for you?? I sure am.

Here I am!!

I woke up this morning to Beth Moore preaching on my tv. And she was talking about the time she traveled to Angola with her husband and their stay at a very third world looking motel. She talked about her journey down the winding stairs to the bathroom near the lobby that had people in it who did not speak English. While she was in the bathroom, a blackout occurred. She was terrified. She slowly made her way out into the lobby where it was also pitch black and all she could hear were whispers in another language. She was now shaking with fear. Then, she heard a man's heavy footsteps drawing near to her and all she could do was politely whimper, "here I am! I'm just right over here!!". Much to her surprise, it was her husband coming to save her. She held her hands out crying, "I'm right here!! Get me!!" and he rescued her.
How awesome is God to rescue us when we are standing in pitch darkness, reaching out for Him! He is so faithful. His love endures forever!
The very same God that sees my heart and knows my words before they're even on my tongue.. Yet, he still loves me! Satan is not going to steal my joy! He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus comes to give life! Folks, there is peace in his presence and I crave it!
Blessings to you all on this beautiful day that He has made!

Already There

I feel like I have been walking in a fog the past two weeks. So much going on in my heart and mind. Trials and Tribulations from almost every single corner of my life and I am mentally exhuasted from it all. My human heart wants to go all "fire and brimstone" on the world.. But my "Jesus heart" tells me Matthew 5:44 " But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you". Easier said than done, huh, when you feel as though you have done your part to mend. James very specifically says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I love that verse. It has been helpful in a variety of troubles in my Christian life. I love Jesus so much and I am so thankful to know that He is already standing at the end of my life looking back saying, ''hey! Yeah, this week, this month, maybe even this year you'll have trouble and heartbreak. But, remember, I am already at the end of this- and you're going to get through this with me!"
In my time of need, I came across a video devotional about this very topic! And listened to this quote from Mark Lowery:
 "Has it ever occurred to you that nothing has ever occurred to God?"
Simple as that. He knows everything about everything and he has ALWAYS known everything about everything.
HE is my joy.

"oh, soweeee"

As Molli sat on her little Elmo potty and fiddled around, I grew impatient with her for playing with the toilet lid. I repeatedly told her to quit messing with it until I finally raised my voice at her and said "Molli, stop it."
Her heart was broken.
As she cried and told me how sad she was, she said, "I sowee" (I'm sorry)
My heart melts every time I hear those little words- whether she is crying them or not! My heart instantly forgives her.
These are the things that went through my mind as I hugged her on that little Elmo potty and then I thought to myself, "wow. I wonder if that is how the Lord is with his disobedient children that He loves so much. Does His heart melt when his babies surrender to him and say they're sorry?" I bet so.

Spilling my Heart Out..

I'm not even sure where to begin or what to even title this post. I just know that this is on my heart so heavily! So.. I'm going to just pour my heart out.
A few weeks ago, I read Max Lucado's It's Not About Me. (I know that I have already blogged about that.. But please bear with me!) In the chapter titled "My struggles are about Him", Max talked about John 9:1-5
"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." (John 9:1-5 NIV)"
That hit me like a ton of bricks. (or so I thought)
WELL, this week, my mother and I were discussing Molli and her progress that she has made. My mom said something along the lines of, "I just don't understand why babies are born this way. I mean, why even make them that way at all? I just don't understand it." and I was quick to share with her John 9:1-5. I actually had my bible out in my lap in the car while she was driving us to my sister's house and I read that to her. Then, as I read "..so that the works of God might be displayed in him" a tidal wave of His spirit rushed over me and I saw (in my mind) a video of Molli walking in her walker with her therapist. Then I exclaimed to my mother, "so that the works of God might be displayed in him!!! Look at Molli! When people see her standing and walking in that video, they see a MIRACLE from GOD!! He does not think like us! I, personally, think it is an awesome honor for Molli to be such a vessel!" and she agreed. My point is, people all over this country have seen pictures of her and have seen the videos that I have posted and seen what miracles God has done! How can we look at her and not see Him??
Today, during church, our Sunday school lesson and sermon were out of Psalm 139 because it is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. I was given this verse before Molli was born. She has this verse hanging in her room. This is my "Molli verse"! We were shown a presentation from Hope Pregnancy Center to provide awareness of the ministry and of the devastating facts of abortions done each year in the U.S.
This ministry is here to provide counseling, awareness, and ministering to pregnant women who may or may not be considering abortion. This message really impacted me. ((I cried the whole service)). I remember being pregnant, scared, and uncertain of what was going on inside of me. I remember finding out that something was wrong with my baby. I remember Ryan's tears, raw emotions, and the punching of steering wheels in anger and confusion. I also remember saying no to an amniocentesis. I remember being asked if abortion was an option.
Does THIS child look like she needed to be aborted??????!!!! Why did I even have that choice???! I thank God for us choosing to keep her. She is such a ball of light in this dark world to all of us!
Back to me (bawling in pew). I heard the Lord say, "THIS is where you need to be.". I need to be there for these lost, confused, and scared women to show them and tell them that there is different way! The doctors aren't the ones who know what their babies are capable of! "But there is a God in Heaven.." Who does!!
Father God, please forgive of the opportunities that you lay out for me that I do not always cease. Help me to be Your hands and feet so that I can bring honor to Your name. I love you. Amen.

The Beauty of Raising a Daughter

Molli. 

Simply adorable, little,  "Baby Molli". It is so hard to believe that she is going to be 3 years old in a few short months! I am so overwhelming blessed by knowing the Lord and discovering through prayer, friends, scripture, and books what it really means to mother a child.. especially a daughter. I have no experience with sons, but maybe in the Lords time- I will. I DO have a little girl who will someday grow up to be a mother and (through the Grace of God) she will be a good one from learning from me. My job is to nurture her heart and to be a godly example that she can look up to and learn from. Only problem is, I'm not that great! haha! However, through constantly seeking the Lord and purposely sewing seeds into her heart- we can make this work! I trust in the Lord that He will make a way for my family as long as we stay faithful to Him. 

She is such a special little ball of blessing to me. Every morning, this week, I have woken up to her clinging to my head, smiling at me, and sweetly cooing, "Mamaaa". She does this so I will wrap her in my arms and pray with her. And today, while I was loading the dishwasher, she crawls over to where I am and starts trying to help me. I watch her play with her "babies" and she holds and rocks them like a mother would. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that I have been starting to notice how helpful, nurturing, and "motherly" she has become. I had a conversation with my mother earlier this week about being able to see how children are raised through the way they act. I pray that my investment in my daughter's heart continue to grow her into a beautiful, Godly young woman and eventually a wonderful mother.

Ball of Sunshine!

This child is such a blessing to know!! She keeps us laughing with her silly little voices, faces, and interests!

This face cracks me up!!
We went to the public library today to get a few books to go along with her lessons this week and she had the best time!

Also, today while I was leading her little lesson- we BOTH had the time of our lives. It is so funny how worked up she gets if I work my self up! I have discovered the key to teaching Molli anything is to be extremely hysterical about it! I, in turn, looked like a crazy person- but she got it! It's amazing what loud silly voices, wiggly body movements, and a lot of high-fives can do! My throat still hurts from laughing. I would have taken a picture of her, but I didn't want to spoil the moment!
Ah, God is so awesome. I am looking forward to everything He has in store for us!

Renewal.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2


So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
2 Corinthians 4:16


There are a lot of feelings, scriptures, etc. that I have been considering blogging for the past several days but couldn't put all of them together to make sense to anyone but myself (ha!). As I sat down at my laptop tonight the word "Renewal" hit me.. and then it all made sense (somewhat!) 


This year, all 9 days of it, I have completely restructured my days and nights. I have read my Bible more, spent time in prayer more, and cut out t.v. all together so I could do so (and WOW what a difference that has made!)
My heart has been a little torn here lately between my love for photography and my family. So, yeah, I've kinda cut that out too. I have really been feeling in my heart that, for now, my focus needs to be on my relationship with God and my family. I will still do some on the side, when someone wants me to do their pictures, but I am not advertising heavily anymore.
How am I supposed to be a Titus 2 wife when I am vegged out in front of the t.v. or the computer?? How is my daughter supposed to learn her numbers,letters,shapes, and colors before she is 3 when I am always putting my focus on something else?
At first, my heart was troubled about all of that (Because I was being selfish). But the more that I let it go and turned it over to God, the less it troubled me. I feel as though a fire has been lit in my heart  again! I am so eager to learn, to listen, to love, and to obey everything God word says! I have been reading a lot of blogs here lately, too, and realizing that I am not the only mom out there that feels like she fails miserably often! haha! Thanks be to God for his abundant love and mercy! Amen?!


So this week, I have started Molli on this 26 week preparatory curriculum for toddlers and preschoolers to teach her the basics (ABCs, 123s, colors, shapes, animals). And I am super excited about that- so many awesome ideas going in and out of my head all day! Maybe that's why God had me work with 2 and 3 year olds at daycares for almost 3 years, huh?  
And I have enrolled myself in an online 9 month Bible study course- Titus 2 University along with my personal goal of finishing the entire Bible by my birthday in two weeks! (I'm in Jeremiah! :-) )
New year.
New priorities.
New focus.
New-found faith in God that He will, in fact, make a way for my family!


Blessings to you all!

Miracle Molli Storms the Castle!

This is such an amazingly beautiful day that the Lord has made! The crisp breeze flowing through the trees that causes the leaves to shower down among this playground area is a simply wonderful sight. My two year old's little voice laughing as she plays and climbs around is one of the sweetest sounds that I've ever heard. On top of all of that, seeing her push herself a little harder and accomplish things that she hasn't done before (like climb her way to the very top of the castle by herself) is enough to bring tears to my eyes. God is so wonderful to bless me with such an opportunity to see His work first-hand. Don't you just love him? :-)
Here are some pictures.

She is sweet, huh??

God, You're Such an Amazing God..

... is what I repeated out loud today while standing in my kitchen, crying my eyes out.
I pray daily and read my Bible, but its not every day that I am bawling my eyes out giving Him the praise He deserves. So what brought on this sudden wave of rejoicing? Back up a bit.
New Years (morning.. about 2 a.m.) I decided to start reading a book between books (a goal of mine this year is to read a lot more books). So I went to my shelf of books that have been loaned to me and picked out Max Lucado's It's Not About Me. Amazing book if any of you are looking to read something that will put you back in the place God made you to be in. It is a 150 page book and I figured if I read 50 pages at a time I would have it finished quickly. Well, I finished it today and it really helped shed light on some things that I had been hanging on to.
See exhibit A: in one of the last chapters titled "My struggles are about God" (This whole book is about everything being about God and not about me)
This was a verse that was in the chapter:
 "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:1-3 NIV)"

Many of you reading this know that I have a special needs child. I have never read this verse the way that I read it today. That is my story! Here I've been wondering why in the world Molli is like this and what did Ryan and I do that would have caused her to be this way? And then God said, "I made her for ME. Not YOU." Molli is such a joy to everyone who loves her and I know that God has an amazing plan for her future. I am so excited for her!
I dwelt on that passage all day and then, as I was standing at my countertop taking a drink of tea, I just started crying out to God and all I could say was "God, You're such an amazing God!!" Over and over.
It's NOT about Me
It's about God!
I love Jesus.. His Grace is amazing.

Liebster Award

This is the Liebster Blog award. I've been seeing it be passed around today on a few blogs and then it got passed to me from Katie over at Intentional Pursuit . Very, very sweet of her to pass this to me. Thanks, Katie!

Anyway, in return I am to pass it to a few blogs that I love to read.

Cassie McLelland over at Beyond Measure is pretty special to me. Like me, she has a young child with Spina Bifida. But more important, like me, she is absolutely in love with Jesus. Her blog is very inspiring and I love to read it.

Kara Underwood over at Bryson's Blog is also another woman that inspires me. Her son is only a few months older than Molli and he, too, is battling Spina Bifida tooth and nail! Kara's committment to Bryson and trying to find him as much help as she can in our small area is very great. They are trying to raise money for treatment for him so if you feel like helping out- be sure to check her blog!

There are tons of other blogs and bloggers that I love and admire their hearts for Jesus! God Bless You all!