VICTORY in Jesus

A lot has been going on in my life the past two and a half years

two names stand out

Jesus and Molli

I have grown so much closer to Jesus since Molli entered my world and I am so thankful to be able to see and feel the Lord's love and blessing every single day!

It has been a pretty rough and tough season.. but by staying faithful to the Lord and being persistent in my pursuit of Him while trying to raise a two year old with physical delays due to Spina Bifida- I have been able to find JOY in the midst of heartache.

Molli walks now.. by the way. Not independently-yet.. but all she has to do is hold on to my fingers for balance support.

We had quite an eventful day! She walked all the way through Brookshires to the bakery to get a cookie and the baker man was so happy for her- he gave her a butterfly ring!

THEN.. she walked into Grammy's house for the first time ever! Grammy was happy to see her!

This verse in this old hymn always stood out to me.. now even more so:

I heard about His healing, Of His cleansing pow'r revealing. How He made the lame to walk again And caused the blind to see; And then I cried, "Dear Jesus, Come and heal my broken spirit," And somehow Jesus came and bro't To me the victory.

Amen and AMEN

JOY.

This past week has been one of those weeks where God has put so much in my path to remind me of one specific thing: Joy.

My devotionals, bibles studies, everything has either told me to have joy or reminded me of joy.

I love how He is so "hands-on" in my life. He puts things before me to build me up so that when I suffer a blow of some sort- I can easily handle it and remember Who is holding my hand.

I am doing a Bible study on facebook that Mark Hall (lead singer of Casting Crowns) is doing via facebook video everyday. And it has been a serious blessing. We are studying the book of James.

‎"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

That verse speaks to my heart on so many levels!

I have really been dwelling on it this past week.. and counting all of my blessings and taking joy in the trials that I have faced- because truth be told- I got through them all with Jesus' help! That perseverance did in fact strengthen my faith!

Yesterday, I got a little agitated by a news report that I saw about a little boy with Spina Bifida. His uncle had fabricated him some pretty awesome wheels out of a bumbo seat and some plastic tires. However, the reporter's words were "He smiles constantly.. though given what he's been through.. he has every reason NOT to.. He has Spina Bifida." That really got under my skin. I am sure she meant nothing by it.. but it still made me feel offended. Molli has EVERY reason to smile. She has a family who loves her, friends who adore her, and a Savior who died for her! How can we not smile?? How can we not have JOY?

Father God, I find so much joy in your love. Help me to spread that love and joy so that everyone will know You. I love You!

I Must Go Through the Valley

My precious little baby girl got her first set of wheels today and I had so many mixed emotions! I hate to admit that I am not as strong as I'd like to be when it comes to hiding my emotions regarding my baby. I love her so much and want her to be as happy as can be (and she is-unless we rob her of a balloon or two lol)! I am so happy for her.. yet there is that bittersweet feeling of "I can't believe my baby is in a wheelchair".
Satan was working hard on me this afternoon as I watched her therapist and daddy set her up in her new stander. I could not help but cry. My friends were texting me telling me how happy I was supposed to be.. and I was.. but that devil would not leave me alone with depression and self-pity.
This afternoon, I was driving to Canton, and I was dwelling on everything that had happened and how horrible I felt for letting the devil push me around like that.. and then my ears suddenly tune into my car stereo and I hear:
"yes I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain.. Yes i must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain.. YES I MUST GO THROUGH THE VALLEY to stand upon the mountian of God."
So then I started bawling my eyes out and continueously saying "Thank You Jesus!" and praising God.
I love how God is CONSTANTLY reminding me that He is with me.

For this child I prayed

Oh boy, Did I ever!?

There are some things in life that some people consider "things that nobody can explain". Loss, anxiety, anger,.. the disability of a child. I am proud to say that I am NOT one of those people.. but will admit that I once was- Until I came to know God.

I was your typical young (lost) soul. I didn't have a firm Christian upbringing.. I lived the way I wanted to without thinking of the consequences. Now I wasn't a drug or alcohol addict or anything like that.. I just didn't put Christ first in my life.. which is just as bad as that other stuff.

Ryan and I were happy newlyweds, I worked the Church nursery, and had just started keeping my Pastor's kids everyday when I found out that we were expecting a baby! We were excited, but didn't want to be too excited until we got all of the facts straight (we had just lost a very early pregnancy- no physical pain, just extreme heartbreak.
We went to the doctor and she confirmed us as 8 weeks pregnant! I was so happy! We talked about what "the baby" would do, who "the baby" would like more, all of your typical first time parent hopes and dreams. At 12 weeks we heard the baby's heartbeat for the firt time. Dr. Spencer said the baby was "perfect". Words that I later felt as though they had jinxed us.
At 16 weeks, we went in to see our baby for the first time. A girl! Just as we expected! We were so excited! But the sono-tech wasn't as thrilled.. She left to room to get the doctor. Ryan and I glanced at each other nervously.. but reassured ourselves that this is probably normal. Dr. Carle comes in and takes a quick look at the screen and then walks over to us and says
"I really hate having to do this to patients that aren't mine.. and that I don't know.. but it looks like she has Spina Bifida."

Ryan's hand gripped my arm. I closed my eyes and felt the tears start to burn as they built up beneath my eyelids. "What is that?", Ryan asks. Dr. Carle goes on the explain about our baby possibly being paralyzed. All of our happy thoughts and dreams started crashing to the floor. Ryan and I cried.. hard. In saddness and in anger. There was a point in our crying where I even realized I was crying harder for him than our baby.. it was like I could handle our baby.. but not him crying. I felt so sorry. Like everything was my fault.

Over the next few days while we were waiting to go see a specialist to have her condition confirmed, we started telling our friends and family. It was very painful to grasp. My sister and best friend were both pregnant too.. with perfectly healthy babies. I felt so many feelings that I was ashamed of feeling. I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

Over the next few months of trying to cope with the fact that our child was going to have special needs.. I felt so bitter.. I loved my baby more than anything else, and I wanted the best for her.

One night, I was probably 6-7 months pregnant, I was walking around in her room, looking at all of her pretty things and sonogram pictures. And then for the first time in my life- I CRIED OUT TO GOD!

I dropped to my knees in her bedroom floor and hysterically cried and prayed to God for help! I needed peace! I NEEDED COMFORT. I needed to accept what had happened and I needed to move forward instead of dwelling in my self-pity!

Looking back now on the past two years when all of this happened, I look back with such joy and clarity. God used Molli. Ryan and I both have grown such much in faith! Molli was God's way of breaking me so that I would stop and see him! She is the most precious little person that I have ever encountered.. and I love that she helped me learn to love and appreciate Jesus.

I now have a daily, close relationship with Jesus! I can sense him in everything that I think and do. I love him! I have learned to accept God's will as good.. although at the time seemed bad.. but looking back at the WHOLE picture and seeing how much my family has grown together in the Lord. I just want to jump up and shout for joy!

Molli was prayed over HEAVILY during and after my pregnancy.. and through those prayers.. my trust and faith in God were strengthend.

Praise GOD!!