All that matters is..

I haven't blogged in a few months. I'll admit, I've been kinda going through a drought of my own.. But am very appreciative in God's work that He has done on my heart here lately while i've been "walking through the valley".
I've been thinking about blogging, but wanted to blog when I had peace. Well, friends, I have found that peace! haha!
Fast forward to two years ago this time- I was SUFFERING (spiritually)! My faith dangled on a thread every time I watched T.V. or heard some sort of "Doomsday Prophecy". I was terrified- but looking back, I was more terrified in the thought that there was a chance that I had faith-issues. Anyways, God has really used these past two years to open up my eyes and heal my ever-wandering heart. I prayed that prayer EVERY TIME those thoughts crossed my mind. I am so happy and blessed today to (sit) here and say that I am not afraid anymore. I have grown closer to the Lord through prayer and reading His Word.. and now when I see this world unraveling and hear all of the "end times" talk- I am very THANKFUL! This may seem weird, but what is going on in the world actually makes the scriptures VERY REAL to me- and I find Joy in that because I know Jesus is coming soon! You all may think I'm crazy but that's just something I've been wanting to get off my chest. I guess you can say that I've been feeling a bit homesick. I don't care that my yard is yellow and crispy- This is expected- I am patiently waiting on Jesus and I am so happy that He has roped me in once again! He is so faithful.
Oh yeah, as I was cleaning my house, this song came on my iPhone- Lyrics went great with how I have been feeling! :-)


I may never be the one that gets a second glance
I may never be the one they call the prettiest
But that’s alright with me

And maybe I don’t follow every crazy passion
Spend all my time trying to get a good reaction
But that’s ok with me

This world is like a trampoline
High and low no in between
Jumping at the chance to please
Everyone but that’s not me

Cause all that matters is
All that matters is
I know your love has set me free
And that’s all that matters to me

Cause all that matters is
All that matters is
I know your love has set me free
And that’s all that matters to me

Some people tell me to step out and do my own thing
And others say I got to blend in just to be the same
And stop being me

But this shallow world is no longer what I’m made of
I’ve been changed by grace
I’ve been saved by love
What more do I need

*All that matters is
All that matters is
I know your love has set me free
And that’s all that matters to me (x2)*

My life comes from the One
Who made the stars and brought the sun
He loves me more than these
So I don’t need another identity

Cause all that matters is
All that matters is
I know your love has set me free
And that’s all that matters to me (X2)

For this child I prayed

Oh boy, Did I ever!?

There are some things in life that some people consider "things that nobody can explain". Loss, anxiety, anger,.. the disability of a child. I am proud to say that I am NOT one of those people.. but will admit that I once was- Until I came to know God.

I was your typical young (lost) soul. I didn't have a firm Christian upbringing.. I lived the way I wanted to without thinking of the consequences. Now I wasn't a drug or alcohol addict or anything like that.. I just didn't put Christ first in my life.. which is just as bad as that other stuff.

Ryan and I were happy newlyweds, I worked the Church nursery, and had just started keeping my Pastor's kids everyday when I found out that we were expecting a baby! We were excited, but didn't want to be too excited until we got all of the facts straight (we had just lost a very early pregnancy- no physical pain, just extreme heartbreak.
We went to the doctor and she confirmed us as 8 weeks pregnant! I was so happy! We talked about what "the baby" would do, who "the baby" would like more, all of your typical first time parent hopes and dreams. At 12 weeks we heard the baby's heartbeat for the firt time. Dr. Spencer said the baby was "perfect". Words that I later felt as though they had jinxed us.
At 16 weeks, we went in to see our baby for the first time. A girl! Just as we expected! We were so excited! But the sono-tech wasn't as thrilled.. She left to room to get the doctor. Ryan and I glanced at each other nervously.. but reassured ourselves that this is probably normal. Dr. Carle comes in and takes a quick look at the screen and then walks over to us and says
"I really hate having to do this to patients that aren't mine.. and that I don't know.. but it looks like she has Spina Bifida."

Ryan's hand gripped my arm. I closed my eyes and felt the tears start to burn as they built up beneath my eyelids. "What is that?", Ryan asks. Dr. Carle goes on the explain about our baby possibly being paralyzed. All of our happy thoughts and dreams started crashing to the floor. Ryan and I cried.. hard. In saddness and in anger. There was a point in our crying where I even realized I was crying harder for him than our baby.. it was like I could handle our baby.. but not him crying. I felt so sorry. Like everything was my fault.

Over the next few days while we were waiting to go see a specialist to have her condition confirmed, we started telling our friends and family. It was very painful to grasp. My sister and best friend were both pregnant too.. with perfectly healthy babies. I felt so many feelings that I was ashamed of feeling. I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

Over the next few months of trying to cope with the fact that our child was going to have special needs.. I felt so bitter.. I loved my baby more than anything else, and I wanted the best for her.

One night, I was probably 6-7 months pregnant, I was walking around in her room, looking at all of her pretty things and sonogram pictures. And then for the first time in my life- I CRIED OUT TO GOD!

I dropped to my knees in her bedroom floor and hysterically cried and prayed to God for help! I needed peace! I NEEDED COMFORT. I needed to accept what had happened and I needed to move forward instead of dwelling in my self-pity!

Looking back now on the past two years when all of this happened, I look back with such joy and clarity. God used Molli. Ryan and I both have grown such much in faith! Molli was God's way of breaking me so that I would stop and see him! She is the most precious little person that I have ever encountered.. and I love that she helped me learn to love and appreciate Jesus.

I now have a daily, close relationship with Jesus! I can sense him in everything that I think and do. I love him! I have learned to accept God's will as good.. although at the time seemed bad.. but looking back at the WHOLE picture and seeing how much my family has grown together in the Lord. I just want to jump up and shout for joy!

Molli was prayed over HEAVILY during and after my pregnancy.. and through those prayers.. my trust and faith in God were strengthend.

Praise GOD!!